| Inconveniences |
[ | | UPDATED >> September 28th,2008 / 03:12 AM | | ] |
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Meeting the right person at the wrong time and place. Meeting the wrong person at the right time and place. Inconvenient timing. Inconvenient locations. Inconvenient feelings.
I think we could have had something special. I think I could have shown you something no one else could have. I think we could have been disgustingly happy together. But you never let me in.
You never kept yourself at my arm's distance. You always stood the standard 10 feet away from me. I would always have to continuously run 10 feet your way if I wanted to reach you. I'm not so good at running. But if I had walked, you would have turned away before I reached you. I had to chase you. I had to hunt you. I had to be quiet. I had to be sly. I had to be subtle. Because God forbid I act authentic around you and shed my hunting mask.
God forbid I show you my real feelings.
And God forbid you show yours.
Is it that hard for you to be genuine? Do you think really my heart is a perpetual eggshell? Able to crack with just the teensiest bit of friction? Do I look that weak to you?
I wish you were bold like me so you could be genuine. I wish you were courageous enough to show your real feelings. It saddens me that you're not.
And I'm sorry you're not strong enough to say 'no'. I'm sorry you're not strong enough to say 'yes'.
But I am strong enough. And I will say it.
No.
No. No. No.
No.No.No.No.No.No.
NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo!
NONONONONONONONONONONO!!!
And there you have it.
The straight answer you were too cowardly to say to my face.
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[ | | UPDATED >> August 27th,2008 / 11:42 AM | | ] |
I'm certain if she were to kiss me, that'd be the end of me.
I'd never be able to kiss anyone else again. Let alone love them.
Thank God we're mostly straight.
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[ | | UPDATED >> August 26th,2008 / 12:18 AM | | ] |
He touched like a computer man. A man who's more used to the texture of shiny hard plastic than flesh. A man who doesn't understand that a woman's breasts are not squeeze toys that will squeak no matter which way you grab them. That though, in the video games, there is one spot you can press over and over and over again to get a desired result, the same concept of a joy button cannot be applied to a woman's body.
Of course, he had to be stereotypical. Of course, he had to be a virgin. And of course, he had to have a complete bush underneath his boy humour boxers.
It is amazing that there are people like this, people who do not understand real bodily pleasure. People who would prefer virtual things over the tangible.
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| Lost & Unfound |
[ | | UPDATED >> April 3rd,2008 / 07:47 PM | | ] |
Someone has lost me. I am simply resting here until he is back to reclaim me. I have no idea why this figure is male to me, only that he is. I imagine that I loved this figure and that he loved me. I have no memory of him yet I can feel him inside me.
With this string tied around my heart, I feel no matter where I move or how I move, it is all futile. Whatever I do can be and will be undone by him when he comes back to claim me and that what I do now will make no difference for my only purpose is to be his lost treasure.
He might not even realize he has lost me. He might not even realize he ever had me in his possession. But I was his and I have been lost. There is no universal P.A. system to announce my absence or location. He will have to find me the old-fashioned way before voices were extended into microphones. As the old proverb goes, I am the needle in the haystack.
But does he want to find the needle? Is the needle even important to him anymore?
I don't know. But I'm staying here until I find out one way or the other.
I exist but I do not live for I cannot live without him.
I'm waiting for my life to begin.
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| Almond eyes |
[ | | UPDATED >> February 12th,2008 / 09:54 PM | | ] |
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music |
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Get Home by Sarah Slean |
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I'd like to think that all my exes were acting upon their pseudo-fetishes with Asian women when they went out with me. I'd like believe it was purely imperialistic desires that made them want to conquer my wonderfully fragrant body and the orientalism in my eyes. And I'd like to believe that these pseudo-fetishes developed into tangible feelings and that every Asian woman they fuck after me is a response to the grief they feel over losing me. And on some days, good days usually, I almost convince myself that it's all true.
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| Simile Jam |
[ | | UPDATED >> September 15th,2007 / 09:30 PM | | ] |
This is what I stole,
from the day you left.
Your Hair.
It smells like fresh coconut juice,
flowers hibernating in winter,
feminist books of the 60's,
dew on a new morning,
a stamp from Guantanamo,
the fruit on Eve's tongue,
like expired halloween candy,
a croissant in milk,
an extra spoon of sugar in espresso,
like the air you inhaled when flying on park swings,
like sunset on a rainy day,
like dried mascara,
like shoes that no longer fit,
like grass stains on a kid's jeans,
like the house of a Korean family,
peanut butter on the crust of a sandwich,
like the second day of school
suspicious cranberries on an Easter turkey,
a straw dipped in milkshake,
an old wedding invitation,
hugs at the airport,
like burnt ashes trying to piece themselves back together.
This is your hair
and it's like...
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| Four-eyed Monsters |
[ | | UPDATED >> August 22nd,2007 / 09:27 PM | | ] |
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"They have four eyes...
They have two mouths...
They have eight limbs that wrap around each other in narcissistic self-adoration.
It's disgusting...
and I can't help but envy them..."
So begins Four-eyed Monsters. I really quite like this quote. It's an interesting way of looking at couples. Even though interesting is just about the least interesting word in the English language, I really do think it's a fascinating perspective.
Perhaps it's my naivete with love and with life. But this film didn't really inspire much out of me. It didn't make me reflect upon my love life. But it left me with the feeling that I usually get after good films. I feel like I should buy all the notebooks in the world and fill them up until there are no words left within me. It made me want to think althought it didn't necessarily make me think. It made me want to question things but the questions that came to my mind had nothing to do with love.
But please do watch it. It's one of the best films I've seen in a while.
And most importantly, it's free on Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8rRFFi_stY
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| Thailand #1 |
[ | | UPDATED >> July 23rd,2007 / 03:59 PM | | ] |
I'm currently writing from my hotel in Pattaya, Thailand. It is costing me 100 baht for an hour's worth of internet time and that is about the equivalent of 3 canadian dollars. Cheap when you convert it, but just the idea of spending 100 anything makes me feel uneasy.
I've been in Thailand for about 3 days and I'm already in love with it. Thailand is everything I wanted China to be. They have a monarchy as well as a democratic government. The royal family is extremely respected here and no member of the royal family is stupid, incompetent, or spoiled. Every member of the royal family (King, Queen, Prince, and the 3 Princesses) all have at least a bachelor degree. My favourite member of the royal family is Princess Maha Chakri Sirindhorn. She isn't married, even though she's 52 years old. She has two doctorates. And she is the god daughter of China's former president, Jiang Ze Min. I'd like to be something similar to her when I'm 52 only with a lovely lad to call my own and maybe a few tots.
Thailand has a 90% buddhist population which differs greatly from countries where people are predominantly Christian or Catholic. The people are easy going and peaceful here. You can just feel it. There is a fundamental difference between the two religions and to be honest, I prefer people who were raised with buddhism over those raised with Christianity.
The people are really, really courteous. I got two Thai massages here and I adore both of the ladies who gave me the massages. I am extremely ticklish and instead of being irritated by my constant giggles, they simply smiled at me and sometimes laughed along with me. After each of the massage sessions, all I wanted to do was hug them. But I thought it was inapproprite and might have connatations with prostitution since I was paying them, so I decided against it.
My thoughts are really scattered right now and I don't know what else to tell you guys about. So I'll write more when I get back and hopefully it'll be more organized.
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| China-log #1 |
[ | | UPDATED >> July 12th,2007 / 06:39 PM | | ] |
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As of this moment, I am writing from a computer in China. Tianjin to be more specific.
It's been 4 days since I've arrived and I'm always amazed at how little jet lag I get after I'm off the plane. It's as if my brain has saved this particular sleep cycle in a compartment and my brain opens it up whenever it is needed. Having been born here, I'm familiar with all the sights I saw. The crowded places, the ridiculous traffic, the significantly lower sanitation standards (in comparison to Canada), and all the usual things that usually sends a foreigner into culture shock. However, what shocked me most was how much China had changed since I left 7 years ago. When I left, bicycles were the main mode of transportation and cars were a luxury available only to the extremely elite in society. My parents were upper-middle class as they were both professionals but even then, we could not afford cars. Our old aparment complex used to be filled with bikes beside the buildings. The roads coming into the area were built for bikes and people. Every time I come back, there seems to be more and more cars around our building. It makes me uneasy to think about the amount of carbon dioxide that is produced from all these newly purchased cars. It also made me uneasy to think of the waste that will be piled onto the landfills that are already full once these cars become too old to drive. There is a law in China that states no car can be driven after 8 years of its production date. Typically, a high quality car like the Mercedes Benz would last 10-15 years. But with this law, their life span is cut almost in half. This will, in turn, produce twice as much waste as there would have been without this law. But this is the price of economic development. Environmental, social, and political concerns are often put on the back burner to make room for more revenue.
Another concern of mine is the 2008 olympics. Incredible amounts of money are being poured into the 2008 olympics which will be at most a 2 month event. But for the sake of this 2 month event, the Chinese government has made great sacrifices. One of the few fees the government collects from the people is for hydro. The fees have been steadily climbing since the summer of '06. This was one of the few sacrifices that were made public. Who knows what other things they cut behind the scenes?
I am excited for the olympics though because it will be China's first real international event. The current conditions in China will be examined carefully under the microscope. Not a single bacteria will escape the world's lenses. Concerns about censorship, ecological abuse, government corruption, human rights violations, and dozens of other issues that used to be carefully enclosed in China will explode onto the world making an ugly stain that needs to be cleaned up. But when that stain is made, will the other nations care enough to shame China into compliance? Or will the world go on enjoying the advantages of China's emerging economic boom without blinking an eye?
Only time will tell. But my bet is with the latter.
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[ | | UPDATED >> May 28th,2007 / 07:49 AM | | ] |
Today's a new day.
I feel better. =)
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[ | | UPDATED >> May 22nd,2007 / 07:31 AM | | ] |
If something or someone was truly important to me, I certainly wouldn't put it in my blog.
I'd try to keep it as close to me as possible and as far away from other people as I can.
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[ | | UPDATED >> May 22nd,2007 / 07:26 AM | | ] |
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"We had five seconds of lightning and lovelike." -a.raw
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[ | | UPDATED >> May 21st,2007 / 06:24 PM | | ] |
eating an apple before it's ripened
licking the icing before the cake is done
it's funny feeling happy yet sad at the same time,
feeling full yet empty all at once.
not ha-ha funny.
but ironic funny.
comedy is a funny man's grief.
irony is mine.
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| À Rolfe |
[ | | UPDATED >> May 21st,2007 / 09:19 AM | | ] |
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Je n'ai que seize ans et bientôt dix-sept ans
Je sais que je suis naïve
Vous êtes jolie
Me disent mes amis
Et bien sûr, cela me trouble
Je n'ai que seize ans et bientôt dix-sept ans
Innocente comme une rose
De tous ces dandys
Buveurs de Brandy
Je sais si peu de choses
Non je ne suis pas prête, c'est vrai
A me lancer dans le monde
J'ai peur de tout cela, c'est vrai
Je me sens fort dépassée
Ah! Q'un homme d'âge
Un homme très sage
Vient de m'expliquer tout
Vous avez dix-sept, bientôt dix-huit ans
Je dépends de vous!
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[ | | UPDATED >> May 13th,2007 / 09:18 AM | | ] |
Good morning,
morning glory.
your petals glitter with raindrops
but even from here
i could see that
the rain wasn't enough.
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[ | | UPDATED >> May 12th,2007 / 06:31 PM | | ] |
branches part
eden waits
we enter.
love waddles by
tears flow in
and out of the rivers
killing stones
feeding fish
feeding Adam's animosity
forced to take in
what cannot be taken out.
i bite the fruit and let it go to heart.
you however refuse
so i exit.
eden is not for me.
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| Goodbye |
[ | | UPDATED >> April 21st,2007 / 11:27 PM | | ] |
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spriting dews in the sun
with our hearts locked in,
words stutter and roll.
vows woven with
no knots in sight,
tears tear through our quilted ship.
abandoned,
nests pile on nests,
migration pains.
legs we quiver,
wings we flap.
eyes leave the leaves
mouth mouths of love
waves wave through wails
and so we part.
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| Arctic Hearts |
[ | | UPDATED >> April 19th,2007 / 02:34 PM | | ] |
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As we sank into the cold ice cap, the freezing temperature rescued us from a wet death You passed me a half-bitten fish And I told you half-bitten animals no longer interested me. You asked why. I told you about my decision to become a vegetarian. What will you eat? I don’t know. How will you live? I won’t. What will I do? The season’s almost over. A younger mate will come along next season. But we were supposed to mate for life. Nothing is for life, especially not mating. If you’re lucky, the sun will kill us both before I have to shatter your heart.
Then you, my love, waddled away at once.
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